CynthiaTalksMarriage

Growing up I always heard the common warning, “boys only have one thing on their mind”. Many forms of media showed that it was the husband who constantly sought their wife for sex. I begin to believe that women did not care for sex while men always wanted it. It was not till recently that I learned that your sex drive is not dependent on your gender.

I believed that there was something wrong with me because in my marriage I had the high sex drive. I was confused when my husband said no because the world made it seem like men always wanted it. I felt that there was something wrong with me because I always wanted it and my husband did not. It wasn’t till a year into my marriage and I was taking a class that I learned about sex drive and how gender has nothing to do with it.

In your marriage, someone will have a higher sex drive, and it will not always be the husband. It can even change as you go through different life cycles, or it can stay the same. Regardless of which gender has the higher sex drive, it is important to know yours and your spouse’s so you each can have a better understanding of each other and your needs.

For those with a high sex drive they feel unloved and unattractive when their spouses say no. Those with a low sex drive feel like a sex toy because they feel their spouse only wants sex from them. These were feelings my husband and I had but were unaware of because we did not talk about it. When we finally talked about it we were able to better understand each other and stop having negative feelings towards each other, ourselves, and sex.

If you have the higher sex drive, do not be offended or upset when your spouse says no. It sucks but let them know you’d like sex and ask them if we could plan it for the following day. That allows the one with the lower sex drive to start getting in the mood so when the time comes they are just as excited as you to have sex. Another tip is to go against your instinct and allow the lower sex drive spouse to instigate sex. Allow them to make the first move.

If you have the lower sex drive, say yes every once in awhile when you do not feel like it. I’m not saying to say yes every time but if it has been a while and your not feeling it but your spouse wants to do it. In the end, you’ll be glad you said yes. To go along with when you plan to have sex, seek ways to excite yourself and your spouse without being asked too. You both know the plan is to have sex so take the initiative and make the first move so they will feel you want it just as much as they do. This will also get you more excited for the night too.

Sex in marriage is a beautiful and sacred act between two individuals who love and care for each other deeply. Do not be afraid to discuss your concerns with it with your spouse and find what works best for you. As you do so, other aspects of your marriage will flourish as you build that deeper connection with each other.

Recently my husband and I got to see and hear James Mattis speak at USU. There were so many powerful insights and comments that he made. Several really touched me and gave me a deeper insight into marriage, I would like to share two insights I gained from this event. First, the world did not have to be perfect to fight for it and second he talked about while in boot camp it was unacceptable to give 90%, always give 100%.

With his comment about the world not being perfect for us to fight for it, I was inclined to think how often we see couples give up on marriage because it is not ‘perfect’. But when Mattis talks about WW1 and WW2 he shares that many people gave up their lives not because it was already perfect but because of the potential it had to become better. We need to fight for our marriage because as we do so we are showing our spouse, our kids, and the world that we believe in our marriage and we believe in its potential.

The second comment on 100% is the only acceptable effort. When it comes to marriage, giving anything less than 100%, even if it is 99%, we are allowing 1% to diminish the value of the 99%. We are telling everyone around us that our marriage is not worth giving our all. Let us give our all to our marriage because as we do so, we are keeping doubts of our commitment out of our mind but also out of the mind of our spouse.

Both of these insights I gained from hearing James Mattis go hand in hand. Fight for your imperfect marriage and fight for it with all you have.

When it comes to weekly dates, my husband and I are not the best. We do watch TV every night together and sometimes folding laundry is thrown into the mix. Our date nights are probably more impromptu errand shopping turned into date because someone is watching our kids. Though these are still important and are good opportunities to spend time with your spouse, taking the time to plan meaningful and purposeful dates can deepen your connection with your spouse.

Yesterday, we got a date night box courtesy of my sister’s Christmas gift to us. I cannot tell you the last time my husband and I had such a deep connection and so much fun on a date, best part we did not even have to leave the comfort of our home. What I truly enjoyed about this box though, was it gave us an opportunity to look back on the last 12 months of our lives and how we got to where we are. We got to spend time thinking about our relationship, about people who have influenced our relationship, even about who have gotten to influence our lives. Next we played a game to encouraged us to set goals for the future, personal and relationship goals. We got to discuss why we chose those goals and what we hope will be accomplished by achieving them. Last we played a game that allowed us to share our appreciation for each other and compliment our spouse. This date night box allowed us to remember who we are and learn about who we want to become.

Having meaningful date nights where you can truly get to know your spouse again are so important because it allows us to go deeper in our relationship instead of staying on the surface. Why is it so hard to do? I think for one, is the price. Dates can get super pricey and if you have kids you also have to pay for a babysitter. We tell ourselves, “we cannot afford to go out, or pay for a date night box in the house”. But I am here to tell you, that when it comes to your relationship, never look at the price but the value that it will bring to you. Obviously, you do not need to go extravagant every date because there are plenty of date night ideas where it is affordable and easy. Another sister told me about how her and her boyfriend did a paint night in their home. she already had all the supplies and they found a picture and did their best at copying it.

The point is, date nights are important and they are worth investing the time and money into. As you invest into your relationship, you will find a greater and deeper connection with your spouse. Stop looking for excuses and start looking for opportunities that will bring you closer to your spouse.

Last week I made the goal to cleave more to my husband by listening to him. I found that as I listened to him more, I was able to see and hear more about the needs of my husband. Another aspect was my husband started returning the favor in really listening to me when I spoke. I noticed that when I set a goal for how I could improve my role as a wife that it positively affected my marriage. When it comes to setting goals for your marriage, remember that it starts with you. It’s so important to focus on what you can do, instead of on what you wish your spouse would do.

This leads to my next topic, what kind of spouse do you want to be? We all have an ideal of the role we want to play as a spouse. For me, I love being the traditional wife and mother. I love cooking for my husband, keeping the house clean, and staying home with our children. I love how it makes me feel to take care of my husband so that he can focus on his business and know that the house is being taken care of. Pregnant, barefoot, and being in the kitchen is my favorite way of being.

Lately though, I feel that I am unable to fulfill that role because of my pregnancy. I am almost 30 weeks pregnant, and our first came just before 34, and the second at 32 weeks. We had a scare over Christmas, luckily a warm bath calmed my uterus. This caused my husband and I to decide to put me on modified bed rest. My husband has picked up the slack by putting the kids to bed alone and doing all the chores that involve a lot of moving and bending, which is practically all of them.

This leads me to my new goal for the new week, finding a new way to fulfill my role. My husband and I sat and talked about this and discussed ways that I can still fulfill my role. Seth talked about how he likes my cooking. So, my goal is to cook in bulk and freeze meals so as I get closer to my due date and have another bad day, he can pull out a freezer meal and have a homecooked meal made by his wife. This way I can feel like I am fulfilling my role by feeding my husband without having to actually make it in those hard times.

Do you feel that you are not fulfilling the role you want to? How can you change that?

In Genesis 2:24, God commands man to cleave unto his wife. What does it mean to cleave though? In the dictionary, it says “to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly”. I contemplated this as I started reading Becoming Better Together by John Van Epp. In the first few chapters he talks about how we believe that marriage should just balance itself out and if it does not, then maybe the marriage was not meant to be. But John Van Epp shares that marriages “are always in a state of balancing”. Just like the word cleave, balancing is about action, doing something to place your marriage where you want it.

My problem, is when new life experiences and challenges pop up, I try to seek to put our marriage back to where it was instead of allowing it to evolve to our new climate. I’m constantly on myself about how we used to be and not focused on what we could be. There is nothing constant about life. You change, your environments, careers, children, everything changes. Something is always changing or new things come into your life so why should your marriage not also change. We need to allow our marriage to change for the better by actively cleaving or balancing our marriage so that we can have that powerhouse marriage.

To help me achieve this I decided to start weekly marriage goals that will allow my marriage to grow and change with our environment as it changes around us. With cleaving on my mind, I decided to use that as my basis for my goal. I want to cleave to my husband more. With having two toddlers and one of the way I forget to give my husband the attention he needs when he’s talking to me. The plan to accomplish my goal is to listen when he talks, which means that I’ll stop looking at my phone, doing chores, or being distracted by my children and have my focus entirely on my husband. Listening is a full body action and letting my husband know that he is my top priority by turning my whole body towards him, he’ll know that I am cleaving to him and none else.

What are some ways YOU can cleave to your spouse more?