CynthiaTalksMarriage

Not sure about you, but Seth and I butt heads over parenting every once in a while. What’s funny is the end result of what we want is the same, but we have different ideas on how to get there. Before we got married we talked about how we wanted to parent and we had similar goals and expectation but actually having kids was a wake up call! Also as we learned and changed in ourselves, our parenting would change. I remember thinking one time that it had to be so easier alone, man was a I wrong!!

Last week Seth left for five days on a camping trip to Yellowstone. Leaving me alone with our three little ones all under the age of three! When I told Seth, it would be fine and I would be able to handle it I did not realize what handling three children alone entailed. I grew to appreciate all the little and big things Seth does when it comes to parenting and helping out with our kids.

My first struggle presented itself when I was trying to feed and put the baby to bed. Well like many children, my kids can get pretty wild right before bedtime and they were running around and talking to me and it kept the baby awake. When Seth is home though, he takes the two older ones and gets them settled down in bed so that the baby can have peace and quiet to fall asleep.

The next struggle was when I was about to lose my cool and yell and shout at my kids. They did not have another parent to show them love and comfort when the other got too overwhelmed. Having Seth home helps keep a balance in the home when one is over the edge, the other can keep the peace. It allows the children to still receive comfort with one parent while the other takes a break. Which presented my third struggle.

The third struggle of never having a break filled me with frustration towards my kids. Though all my kids still nap and I get them to take naps at the same time, I still have to keep an ear open in case they wake up early, fall out a bed, or if something happens. When Seth is home and I need a break I can walk away, tune my kids out, and get that much needed break. Knowing Seth is home and ready to help them out so I don’t have to be that person all the time.

So this blog is a shout out to my husband! Even though we bash heads on parenting, I am so grateful to have you as my partner, friend, and confidant. I will continue to bash heads till we find our parenting hacks. I was grateful for that experience because it helped me appreciate the little things Seth does.

This experience also allowed to really appreciate all those single parents that do an amazing job playing both roles! I have met some amazing kids who only have one parent because they did what needed to be done. You guys are rock stars. You got this. And if you need help, do not hesitate to reach out!

You may read the title and think I have depression. Well that is not my struggle in life, but my wonderful husband does deals with depression. It started while he was serving in the military, that is when he first started taking anti-depressants. As his spouse, it has been heart wrenching to see him struggle and fight for his happiness. I don’t know how to help him and there are some days I am scared to leave him alone. On top of it all, there is a battle of thoughts that rage through my head. So this post is not about my husband’s struggles, but of my struggle and how I seek to overcome my natural thought process. Be warned, it is not for the faint of heart.

My thoughts range from care (how can I help my husband…) to anger (why doesn’t he try to…) to self-loathing (am I not enough to make him happy). These are only the tip of the iceberg, and I’ll have these thoughts and similar ones in succession of each other all day. They flutter through my mind as if on repeat and whichever thought is running through my head whether it is of, care or anger, it always leads back to self-loathing. Thoughts telling me I am not enough.

The worst part was the feeling of being alone, because I feared talking to him. I worried about what my thoughts would do to him. What effect my venting and frustration about life would do to his mental stability, because I know he has similar and sometimes worse thoughts than my own. So I suffered alone because like life, I knew we would climb up again and everything would be okay.

I kept pushing forward as Seth and I had our ups and downs, like most marriages. I felt like our ups were mountains and our downs were just dips. I knew I could do it, and I did. But something happened. The down times started lasting longer and getting lower. They were becoming canyons and valley’s while the ups were no longer mountains but bumps. I had to avoid people because someone could just say hi and I would break. I’d leave him alone to run errands with the kids and I would cry, because I was terrified of what I might come home to! I started feeling like a single parent and many times just had feelings of wanting to go home and have someone take care of me. Nothing helped till I switched my focus to taking care of myself and being vulnerable to help outside.

My level of vulnerability right now is at an all time high for me. I am opening up about my experience because I wanted others to know that they are not alone. I often felt alone because I felt couldn’t be sad because I had to be the strong one. That was one lesson I had to learn, that it was okay for me to be sad too and that I didn’t have to be strong all the time.

Here are a few lessons that I learned from my ongoing experience and struggle. I hope as I share my truths with you, that you can find hope and comfort in knowing you are not alone.

First, I could not fight this battle alone! When my spouse is having a down time and I needed to vent, I reached out to friends who I knew would listen. You can always find someone to listen to you. Do not be afraid to reach out, someone will take hold. If you don’t know who will! I will. Second, I had to learn Seth’s cues. I had to watch and see he needed to be held or left alone. The best way to learn is to ask, ask them if they need space or if they need a hug. If they don’t know I always start with the hug for a few minutes and then give them space.

Third, I had to learn to not talk. This was the hardest for me to learn because I just wanted to help but thought I had to speak to do so. I learned that those suffering with depression have their own battle of thoughts in their head, and having someone else throw in their thoughts can cause them more anxiety and frustration so just be there and be ready to listen.

The fourth lesson is the hardest lesson and I am still learning it today. You are enough. You are not responsible for his unhappiness or happiness. He is dealing with his own demons and all you can do is stand by his side and inspire him. You make him happy and he loves you. Whenever thoughts of “why am I not enough to make him happy?” come into your mind I want you to instead ask yourself “How can I become more happy?” whether it’s reading a new book, starting a new hobby, or taking yourself out on a date. An important lesson to remember is you are only responsible for your own happiness and then your happiness will shine to those who need it. It is not your responsibility to make your spouse happy. Your job is to stand by them through thick and thin, up and down, and anywhere in between.

Some of you may laugh, but for awhile I was insanely jealous of our dog. Seth was always petting her, having her come cuddle with him, and constantly giving encouragement towards her. I began to feel so angry and jealous of the dog because I kept thinking “where are my treats for going potty where I’m supposed too” or “where are my cuddles while watching TV”. It was eating me alive and I was resenting the dog for taking Seth’s attention and Seth for neglecting me. After a while I began to look back on my life and learned two lessons from this experience. First, I have always been subjected to jealousy. Second, my love language is physical touch.

The first experience that came to mind when it comes to jealousy, was when my little sister decided she wanted to become daddy’s little girl. When daddy read us stories, she got to sit on his lap where I usually sat. She got to sit by him at the dinner table, where I usually sat. She took those physical contacts that I had with my daddy and made me so jealous of her while also feeling abandoned by my daddy.

This lead me to my second lesson. I believed my love language was acts of service. I did not want to believe it was physical touch for whatever reason, I just did not believe it. As I looked back I was able to see how much physical touch meant to me. I love my mom and I know she loves but I never felt that way as a child because my mom is not a touchy person while my dad is. He never had issues with us laying our head on his shoulder while my mom only ever lasted two seconds.

As I took these lessons to my heart I was able to sit down with Seth and communicate with him about how I was feeling and why. We both acknowledged that I had a need and it was not being filled. We both took responsibility in helping me find ways to fill that need without a lot of changes.

Here are the simple changes we made, I had to stop looking at our dog (whose name is Puppy) as the enemy. I had to start treating her like she was our dog not just his. That I can also spend time petting, cuddling, and encouraging her good behavior. Another change was to let Seth know when he came home, I am the first one he should acknowledge and greet verses the dog (which can be difficult since Puppy runs to him). These simple changes have allowed us to fill my need without taking away from Puppy’s.

If you are having frustrations or jealous feelings, look inside and figure out what need is not being met and go to your spouse and discuss solutions together that you both can do. Solutions do not have to be big and grand acts. They are simple tweaks that lead to grand feelings.

You’ve created a routine. You have a system. You feel like you have some sort of normalcy going on. What happens? COVID-19 and now all the kids are in the home and you and/or your spouse are working from home. Creating a lot more time together as a family, which is awesome but can also be soul sucking. My husband and I were lucky because he was already working from home so it was not an adjustment for us. I want to share some tips on how we created a better environment with him always being there.

First thing I learned, was never criticize. Now that he is home more, you ask for help for the everyday mundane day chores. What happens? In my experience he always did it but sometimes it was twenty to thirty minutes after I asked or he did it differently than I would have. Well when you criticize, what happens is he no longer wants to help out because he does not want to be told that he is doing it wrong. Do not criticize, say thank you because guess what? It got done. The chore you asked for help with, because you did not want to do it, was taken care of. When you say thank you and move on, he is more likely to want to reach out and help more because he likes to feel needed and helpful.

I love having a schedule and creating a routine. I have certain expectations or rules set for the kids. When your husband is there, especially if the kids are not used to it, it can completely disrupt everything. Communication is key here. Talk to him about your routine and let him know how important it is to you. If it is not important but there are some key aspects of it are, for me it is nap time, let him know. Talk about creating a new routine that works for you both but still allows for the important parts to stay the same. When telling him about your routine, explain why, let him understand that it helps keep your sanity, or it makes for a smoother day for the kids.

For many of you during this quarantine, this time will not last. Take advantage of this time as a family and as a couple. Have one on one time with each child. Remember to have your date nights, check out date boxes for fun as home activities. Try new things together. But also remember that you both need alone time, try taking turns who gets to brave the grocery store, go for a walk alone or a drive. Do not let this special time lead to turmoil in your marriage because he is always there, but let it be a memory of when you were able to focus on things that matter and not have any outside sources vying for your time.

Too often when marriages hit rock bottom, couples either believe that this is what marriage is like or they leave the marriage because they cannot see past the hardships. I recently got to interview a couple who when they hit rock bottom chose to fight for their marriage and to change it to what they wanted. After two years of seeing their marriage disintegrate, this couple knew something needed to change because it got to a point that they lost trust in their marriage. Dr Van Epp created the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) and one of the five points is trust. Dr Van Epp shares how important trust is in marriage because it is the second step that leads to relying and committing to your spouse but if there is no trust how can those next steps take place. This couple knew that when trust was lost that they needed to change because their failing marriage was also affecting their children.

Their children were one of their reasons to fight for their marriage. They knew that their marriage affected their kids and their kids were important to them and they wanted to provide them with a happy home. Another reason they chose to fight was because they looked at their past and knew they were capable of having a happy marriage. They both recalled what they had and knew they could have it again if they made the effort.

As the couple went through working on their marriage they both learned a valuable lesson of happiness. They both knew that they needed to work on their self love. She talked about how could she expect someone to love her if she did not. She learned that she needed to start with herself and build that love for who she was and what she deserved. While his journey to self love was about accepting his failures. He shared how he would get so down on himself because he feared failure. He learned to accept his failures and to grow from them and not allow them to dictate where he could go. While both of their journeys to self love were different, they both learned they are responsible for their own happiness and cannot rely on their spouse to make them happy.

The family system theory is how the family is a unit and you can not understand the family as a whole if looking at just one aspect of the family unit. Through building their marriage they learned this as they saw the changes they made affected changes in their children. They talked about how one aspect of the family is not higher than the other but as we build one up the other parts follow too. As they built and strengthened their marriage they saw positive behavioral changes in their children. A circle began as working on their marriage affected their parenting, which affected their kids behavior, which allowed them focus on their marriage.

Not all the building and strengthening of their marriage was easy and there were doubts. She talked about leaving for a weekend and not knowing if she would come back. She left again and thought maybe this was it. But while she was gone, it gave him the strength and knowledge that he needed to change. He started showing up and proving to her that he can be trusted again. When she came back, she saw the changes and knew that they were going to make it. Their trust was back and she knew she could rely on him and commit to him. Though he never doubted, it was a few months later when they reached a point that life was comfortable. He saw her and how she behaved and it was a women who felt comfortable and knew she was with someone who made her feel comfortable.

With their story, they share advice to those who are struggling and or might be on the verge. Remember to have self love, to find your happiness and not rely on your spouse to make you happy. Know your love language and know your spouse’s love language, make sure you know how you receive love and how they do so that you can both be aware of when the other is showing their love. People change, know that your spouse will change and take time daily to learn about your spouse so that you do not wake up one morning wondering who your spouse is. Dr Van Epp calls them huddles, but have weekly meetings where you are able to talk just the two of you. Whether it is learning about your spouse, going over your weekly schedule or what ever but take time to sit and talk.