CynthiaTalksMarriage

You know the saying “one step at a time”? A while ago I took a step and got stabbed in the foot by a bone shard and later that night as my husband and I were discussing our future plans he said that saying, so I responded but what about the painful steps? In life we will find times that we step on painful objects and what are we to do but desire to take that step back. But in the words of a wise monkey “The past can hurt, but the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it.” Running from the pain tends to make us repeat it again and again but when we choose to learn from it we can find that we stop making that painful step, not that we wont find a new painful one to step on.

In marriage, all you are doing is taking one step at a time as you progress in your marriage. But those that have been married or in a relationship know that not all steps are easy and some hurt. Even if you are not in a relationship and just experiencing life, there are painful steps!! So when you hit those painful steps what do you do? Do you scream and shout? Do you sit cry saying “woe is me!”? Do you turn around and step on it again? Or do you address it, clean it up, and make sure you never take that painful step again?

An important note to make when it comes to taking painful steps, is no one is at fault for them. Painful steps are not always what you think they are. In my experience, I have found most of my painful steps have been about opening up and being vulnerable to Seth. It’s been about sharing my fears and burdens of having had to drive daily to the NICU with our first two children. It’s been my separation anxiety I got when moving across country away from my friends and family. It’s been sucking up my pride and asking for help when we needed it. Painful steps are needed in life because it allows us to fully enjoy the joyful steps.

The hardest part when it comes to those painful steps though, is the moving on. The steps feel painful for a long time because we stay on the step hoping the pain will just disappear if we ignore it. But if I kept my foot on that piece of bone, it would have gotten worse. Just like if I never addressed my concerns with my husband about moving across country, my concerns would have festered till they became resentments and blame towards him.

It’s hard, but the painful steps only have to last a moment as we build courage address it and move on. We can find the soft and smooth surface of the next step, all we have to do is lift our foot and take the step.

A couple of months ago, we went to the Golden Spike with my sister. She shared a documentary on trains that she watched recently. She told me that the tracks get loose over time and they have to go through the tracks and pile the rocks or dirt back on. If they do not, the train can bounce of the tracks!! This has stuck with me ever since and has helped me find the perfect analogy of marriage! Especially for Seth and I.

Everything Seth and I have done has been fast. There was no taking it slow. We met and got engaged two weeks later. In three months we were married. One month after we got married, we got pregnant. Before we hit our first anniversary, we were pregnant again. Before our 4th anniversary we welcomed our third child into the world. If you have a story faster than ours? I’d love to hear it.

What our story and the train have in common is the speed. Trains are fast and so was a our life together. With every obstacle that sped through our life, our tracks would get looser and looser. There were many times either one of us could have decided to walk away. But because through each obstacle we faced, each new adventure, we went back through our tracks and built up the rocks to secure our relationship.

Dr Van Epp created the RAM the Relationship Attachment Model. He talks about five areas in a relationship. Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. So when walking down the tracks, Seth and I would look into each of these areas and make sure they were strong. If any of them were struggling we would tackle them. If it was know, we would sit and just talk about dreams, goals, and who we’ve become through our obstacles. It doesn’t matter what area is struggling, there is always a way to build it up. Think about your love languages and use that to help build them up.

I don’t care how fast or how slow you are in your marriage or relationship because in the end, what matters is how often do you go back to look at your relationship. It’s about the daily chats to keep the bond strong. It’s about the little things in your relationship that reminds you why you wanted to be with them in the first place. It’s about choosing every day to walk hand in hand down the tracks finding where you need to build up the rocks.

That’s why I love the train analogy because it can work for those who move fast like us or move slow like others. It can help people find answers on how to strengthen their marriage or to just keep it strong. It can show people what is important and what can wait. But this is my reason for loving this analogy, what reason do you love it?? or what analogy would best describe your marriage?

October 25, 2017 I was sitting in a bathroom floor with my sister crying my eyes out because I just found out I was pregnant and my firstborn was barely four months old and I wasn’t prepared to be pregnant again, not physically or emotionally. I went to my first Dr appt and was told her due date was July 2nd, Just a few days shy of Andrews first birthday. On May 12th Renae graced us with her presence 8 weeks early making Andrew and Renae 10 months apart. This is my experience with Irish twins.

Being pregnant with a baby was very hard for me. I wanted to breastfeed Andrew but my body couldn’t handle it. I got nauseous every time I breast fed Andrew and felt extremely fatigued afterwards. When I was three months into the pregnancy my milk started to dry up and I had to buy formula. That was one of the hardest things for me to do because I knew my body couldn’t handle being pregnant and breastfeeding but I did not want to lose that time and connection with my son. I miss that I wasn’t able to able to breastfeed Andrew till his year mark. The knowledge I was able to gain through this experience allowed me to see the importance of feeding and connecting with your child because in the end that’s what is important, connecting and feeding your child. How you accomplish this is entirely up to you.

I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t like the baby phase. I don’t care to hold babies all day or even for short while. But I do miss that I don’t recall Andrew’s baby phase. I felt like he grew up so fast because I was pregnant. The pregnancy and Andrew’s first year of life are so muddled together that I was not able to fully enjoy Andrew’s first year. Nor was a I able to take care of my body during my second pregnancy because I had a baby that needed me. After this experience I gained a deeper gratitude for Seth. He saw the strain that having a baby, being pregnant, and being a full time student put on my mind and body. When I felt like I was over stretched he took care of me so that I was able to continue to take care of our children.

One of the neatest things of having Irish twins though is seeing how fast children can progress. Biggest take away and lesson I have learned is to start earlier than you think you need too. When Andrew was 18 months and Renae was 8 months and we started getting more into sign language for Andrew, teaching him please and thank you. I swear, Renae picked it up first though we weren’t even trying to teach her. When I see Andrew and Renae interact now I forget that they not the same age because they act so similar. Whether it’s Renae progressing or Andrew regressing. They feed and learn off of each other.

Having Irish twins, have pros and cons like many other things in life. I have found that I am grateful for my Irish twins because I have loved seeing them now. The first year or two were hard but knowing how they are now at 2 and 3 years old and how they help to progress and grow together is truly eye opening on how intelligent children can be. I m excited to see what more joys they bring to our life as they continue to grow. But word to the wise, Irish twins are very difficult but down the road can be very worth it.

The other day, a friend sent me a post by one of their friends. Here is that post.

I immediately fell in love with this post. I love it because it touches a lot of aspects of marriage that in today’s society is forgotten. It talks about personal responsibility in marriage. It talks about how as humans we are subjected to making mistakes and falling short of perfection. Whether you are Christian or not, Christ and His church is a good example of a good union.

Personal responsibility in marriage. The question she asked “how can I make it easier on (my spouse) to love me like Jesus?” isn’t about making your spouse happy or changing who you are. It is about making choices or saying something that makes it easier for your spouse to choose to love you. Love in marriage is a choice that needs to be made daily. So daily make sure that choice is easy for your spouse to make.

I got to put this advice into action Thursday night when we went to take family photos. Why? Because taking family pictures is my husbands least favorite thing in all the world to do he literally told me it was comparable to torture for him. But taking pictures is important to me and I wanted to do it. How could I make it EASIER on Seth to still love me even though he felt like I was “torturing him” taking family photos. I acknowledged his frustrations. I let him know that I appreciated his sacrifice in doing something he hates because he knew I love it. I let him know that I felt loved and supported by him and that I am grateful he did it. Expecting Seth to do these family photos without letting him know I knew it was a sacrifice for him would have made it hard for him to love me. I let him know that I didn’t expect blind obedience because I said so.

We are humans and we subject to screw ups, mistakes, and falling short of perfection. How often do we cut our spouse slack for making a mistake? How often do we slip up and admit to it? I know for me, there are many times I have to catch myself when Seth makes a mistake wanting to get angry. I have to remind myself that he’s human that he’s not perfect and never will be on this earth. But when I make a mistake, I often try to sweep it under the rug and seek to forget it happened. Seth and I recently had a slip up and we could’ve just each ignored it. After a time to calm down and reflect I knew that I needed to confront Seth about what happened and in doing so we both were able to move on and not allow it fester in our relationship.

Something that was small can always come back to bite you in the butt and be thrown out of proportion. Accept each other’s flaws, and when you accept their flaws they will find it EASIER to love you because they will know you accept them for every “perfect imperfection” (John Legend All of Me)(Love this song!!).

Christ and His Church as an example of a good union. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians‬ ‭5:25‬).” I love the scripture she quoted in her post because it truly shows love Christ had for his church. I’m gonna quote John Legend’s song again, “Cause all of me, Loves all of you”. Christ did not hold back anything when it came to His Love for the church. Just as I seek every day not to hold back anything from Seth. I love John Legend’s song because it is Seth’s and I wedding song and because it is one of the greatest loves songs because it doesn’t sugarcoat love, it talks about loving them with everything they have including all of their flaws. Because love is not about loving someone only through the good but the bad too. Christ gave his all even though the church was far from perfect and had their own flaws but Christ knew its potential and loved her anyway. Love your spouse with everything you have and as you do so it will make it EASIER for them to love you in return.

Not sure if you noticed, but I purposely wrote easier in all caps because love is not easy but neither is it hard. Love is an action and a choice to make daily. Because your spouse, children, friends, and whoever else is in your circle will say something that will either make it harder or easier to love them. So when thinking about your own actions and your own words, are you making it easier or harder for your spouse to choose to love you?

After three years of marriage, I noticed something that was happening to me. I slowly disappeared into Seth’s shadow. My life began to revolve around him and everything I did, I did for him. There is nothing wrong with doing somethings for your spouse, but I learned that everything was revolving around him and I lost who I was. I knew I was doing this, but couldn’t find my way out or how severe it was becoming. Because I started something, that I wanted him to do and thought if I did it he would do it. I thought if I did it, he would be inspired or in the very least I would learn how to inspire him. What I learned and found instead was my own inner queen.

To often, women either believe that a queen just sits idling by while her kings does all the work or women believe that to have power and influence they have to be a lonely queen with no king. To often men and women do not believe that kings and queens are capable of working together and being separate. Well I am here to tell you differently and share with you my experience of finding my inner Queen while still supporting, loving, and working with my King.

For ten days I participated in Travis Brady’s the King Challenge. To be honest, I looked at the guidelines or rules of of the challenge and believed it would be easy, but day two came around and Travis made a post about stepping up to the next level. He gave us guidelines, but I had to think like a leader and step up to the next level. Only I could tell myself what that would mean, because it is my level not anyone else’s. So I looked at the guidelines and inside of myself, and decided what it meant to level up for me.

As I made my own rules from the guidelines, it stopped being about doing this for my husband but for me. I was reading books that I needed to read, I chose podcast that spoke to me, and I watched his training videos when I knew I could give my whole attention to them. Where day one, I thought which book would benefit my husband, which podcast could I listened to while my husband was home, I’ll wait to watch the training when it’s convenient for Seth. My whole mindset switched and I was slowly able to find my Queen.

Many things happened during and after those ten days. One was I became more patient on the journey my husband was on for his business, dreams, and goals. I learned more about where in my life I needed to grow. I became more confident in who I am and what I want in life. My favorite aspect of this challenge was I never felt like I left my husband in the dark but I was able to step out of his shadow and create my own shadow without putting him in mine. We created our own shadows while at the same time creating a greater light for our empire.

If you are struggling with finding your inner Queen/King or worried if you do find her/him it means you need to step away from your spouse. I am here to tell you, you are capable and it is very possible to create an empire with a King and Queen working together while also having their own shadow. If you are not sure how to find it, ask yourself where you need to level up.