CynthiaTalksMarriage

My husband and I just celebrated our 4th Anniversary, so I thought I would write a post about how we met and a little bit about our story.

June 17-18 2016 was a Young Single Adult Conference, put together by our church. It was being held in Wilmington, NC and they invited neighboring areas to be a part of the activity and service project. At the time I was living with my sister in Charlotte, NC and I had paid for the ticket to go but wasn’t sure I would, because it was 5 hours away and I didn’t want to drive down by myself. The Wednesday before the event, I was at institute when a friend asked if I was going and I told him I wanted to but didn’t want to do the drive. He said there was a seat available in the car he was going with and he offered it to me. So there I was, heading to the conference in a car with three guys.

We got to the conference late since all of us had work, and we were not able to leave until 4 pm. We got there around 10 pm, missing the fireside but just in time for the dance they were holding. I got separated from the guys I came with but enjoyed myself as I danced to every song and met a lot of new people. None of them were my husband though. He apparently was standing at the edge with his arms folding judging the Army boys who showed in superhero costumes. Who I actually spent most of my time dancing with!

The following morning after breakfast was when I first saw Seth, and he was hard to miss. He was super tall and looked very grumpy. He was watching a group of us play with a frisbee and asked to join. We were playing ultimate frisbee and he joined in on the opposing team. Our first connection was me holding the frisbee and this massive 6’6″ giant running straight towards me! I threw it as fast as I could, and like a dog he chased after it. That was my first experience with Seth.

It wasn’t until later that we met again, but in a more calm and gentle way. That morning was the service project and afterwards while we were waiting for instructions on the next event, which was lunch, I saw him sitting apart from everyone else. This will tell you a lot about me, well I made the first move because I am a shy extrovert. I love making new friends but prefer to do it on a smaller scale. So he was sitting alone and looked like he needed a friend and I decided I could be that friend. So I started talking to him. We talked for probably 10-15 minutes before they announced we could head back for lunch. Well I stood up and started walking and Seth stayed sitting. So I turned around and asked “aren’t you coming?”. He hesitantly stood up and started walking and we continued to talk, well I talked and he gave short one word answers to my questions.

Once we got to lunch, we ran into someone he knew and they asked if he met any new friends. Do you wanna guess what he said? With me standing right there, he said nope. This is where I knew the Lord was involved in our relationship because for some reason I said I would save him a seat because ladies were to get their food first. I did save him a seat, it just wasn’t next to mine.

After lunch, it was time for the beach. So after getting my tent taken down and changing we headed off to the beach. Seth on the other hand was not changed. For those that know him, knows he doesn’t like water so he had no intentions of getting in the water or even changing. So we get to the beach and he’s still in jeans and his boots. But eventually he does get hot and leaves to change while I went into the water to play. Well I see him get back and run up to him and took his hand to bring him to the water. He stops, pulls his hand away and I quote “If you try to drag, push, or pull me into the water, I’ll break your nose, throw you in and leave”. I am not exaggerated in the least. He really said that. To be fair though, I remember thinking “challenge accepted” as I gave him my sweetest smile. Well I got him all the way into the water where he couldn’t touch and with zero casualties.

After playing in the water for what felt like eternity where I was not being shy at flirting at all, I decided this guy must not like me. So after sitting on the beach for a little bit he wanted to get back to the others because we had drifted away. On the way back though, as I was thinking that I will leave this poor guy alone because at this point he probably thinks I am annoying. He grabs my hand. When I say grab, I mean like a man trying to grab a fish out of water. He was not subtle or smooth. When he had my hand and I looked at him scared and confused, he says “got ya……yep got ya”.

Well, once we got back to the area with everyone else, he asked if I liked ice cream and if I wanted to go get some. So we left and got ice cream, started walking around this little trinket store above the ice cream place. After hours and hours of flirting he started smiling and flirting back. We kept talking till my ride was ready to leave. We exchanged numbers and continued to text for the whole drive back to Charlotte.

And that is how I met the love of my life. I definitely know their was some divine intervention going on because he was so stubborn! But I just felt so comfortable with him. I felt like I finally found who I wanted to be because though he seemed pretty standoffish, I never once felt judged for who I was. He just seemed to accept me, even if he thought I was annoying as I continued to talk to him when he just wanted to be left alone.

The concept of needing over wanting has been on my mind lately, especially since I started working and creating my business. When I Seth and I first got married, we both decided I would be a stay at home mom and he would provide for our family. It was what we both wanted. I have no regrets on the matter and was grateful for the first few years of our marriage where I could stay home, finish my education and enjoy my first three pregnancies without working. Some may say I needed my husband because if he left I would be alone to raise three kids on my own and the same could be said for Seth that he needed me because who would care for his children if I left. But now with me helping to supply an extra income from home, there’s no one to say I need Seth. The fact is though, I have never felt I needed Seth, it has always been I wanted him.

I can probably look back and think I needed Seth before I started to help bring in income, but having the mindset of needing over wanting is negative and damaging to marriages. When you need someone, you can start to resent them. You can start to blame them for your unhappiness. You can start believing that they are at fault for you not reaching your full potential. But when you want them, you are grateful for their love and support. You feel love and inspired by their presence. You begin to grow because you want to be the best you can be because of them.

When you have the need mindset, you create negative energy in marriage because needing something creates guilt when you do not have it. Needing your husband, creates guilt of not being enough for them so you worry they’ll leave you. Needing to be the stay at home parent causes guilt when you start to feel frustration and anger towards your children. Needing to be the provider for your family creates guilt when you struggle to put food on the table, or feel guilt about not being home because you’re working all the time.

Now when you change need to want, the guilt goes away. You want your spouse, so you start making choices that bring you closer together. You want to to be the stay at home parent, so you make choices that allow you to do that. You want to provide for your family, so you look for ways to create residual or passive income that allows you to still be present while providing.

Though I never needed Seth, I wanted him. I wanted his help in raising the kids, I wanted him to be our main provider, I wanted him to share in all the good and bad memories. It’s not about needing someone, it’s about wanting them. It’s not about relying on them to fulfill your needs, but having someone to share the joys of life. It’s about switching your mindset from needing to wanting because then you start seeing solutions instead of problems.

I remember when Seth and I first got married, we often did couples prayer. Basically every prayer we did was a couples prayer! When we added children to our family, slowly couples prayers became nonexistent as it became absorbed into family prayer. The other night Seth and I had our first couples prayer is a long time and I realized we were missing out.

We were missing out on an opportunity to seek guidance on how to work together in raising our children. When we prayed for each of our children, we got to ask our Heavenly Father for specific help for each child and asked for understanding on what they needed. We got to align our desires for our children as we prayed to know what they needed from us.

We were missing out on a time to reconnect to a higher purpose for our marriage. We got to remember that we are not alone in our marriage. That there is someone who has a higher purpose for our relationship and wants us to be united. When we face challenges and differences we do not need to fight them alone, but we can seek Heavenly Father as we strive to understand each other.

We were missing out on an intimate and sacred act. There is nothing like being held by someone, holding their hand, or kneeling next to someone as you pray together. There is a bond that starts to build and strengthen as we pray together because we begin to realize our marriage is bigger than us. As we pray together and realize the significance of our marriage and its purpose we start to have a great need to protect it and build it up.

We were missing out on opportunity to pray for each other out loud. As I listened to Seth pray for me specifically, I had an overwhelming feeling of love. I listened as he prayed for things that were important to me but I never think to pray for, he prayed about things I did not think he listened to. Hearing him pray for me was a confirming action that he does love me and cares for me and only wants what is best for me.

I could go on about all the things Seth and I were missing out on as we neglected our couples prayers. It is a sacred and intimate act that brings you closer to the couple you want to be. prayer together as a couple doesn’t even need to be for religious couples but all couples who seek to strengthen their bond. It is an opportunity to speak to a higher power that is greater than us all.

I hope as I share this experience with you that one, Seth and I can be more consistent with our prayers together but also so others can realize that maybe it is what is missing in their marriage.

Lately, I have been seeing a lot of posts about mindsets. Mostly money mindsets or positive mindsets. But it got me to start thinking about marriage mindsets. Like most mindsets, there are a lot of different types of marriage mindsets. A few that come to mind are:

• It’s your spouses responsibility to keep you happy
• That marriages are about being unhappy so there’s no point trying to work for a better marriage
• That happiness will come in the next phase of life, I just need to get through this one
• All marriages fail so why even try

The list can go on! These are just a few negative mindsets that I have experienced. Because as we go through life, our mindset will continue to change. But, are you allowing it to change for the better or worse?

The most recent mindset I have been dealing with when it comes to marriage is the we’ll be happy eventually. We just need time, or money, or more kids, less kids, better job, different job, etc! I was in this place where I knew we could be happy but I believed it just wasn’t our time yet. But I recently started spending more time on personal development and I began to see the error of my ways. I thought if I just waited for something, we would create or find our ideal marriage. But the fact is, to create or find you must take action! You cannot expect to create something by just holding a needle and a thread, you must move them. You cannot expect to find your ideal marriage without picking up a flashlight and moving it towards where you want to be.

Taking action means you need to switch your mindset to a more positive one. Such as:

• I am responsible for my own happiness
• My marriage is what I make it not what others say it is
• I can find happiness in my marriage now, no matter the phase I am in
• Marriage only fails when I stop trying

Switching your mindset to focus on yourself, helps you to move forward. Because when your mindset is focused outward it places responsibility on those who do not care. But when you turn your mindset inward, you accept the responsibility and put more effort into your marriage because you do care.

Obviously you’ll never reach a picture perfect marriage where every day you get along 100% of the time. Dr Van Epp wrote in his book ‘Becoming Better Together’ that, “healthy relationships are always in a state of balancing”. As new obstacles and changes happen in life, you take the time to re-balance your relationship so that it continues to be your ideal marriage. I believe it all starts with having a healthy marriage mindset.

In the end it is about believing you deserve a happy marriage now. I also feel it is about believing in your marriage and it’s endless possibilities of happiness right now. Stop waiting for something to change or happen in your marriage, but be the change. Inspiration starts with one person’s willingness to take action.

I recently just finished reading ‘the Anatomy of Peace’. I highly recommend this book for everyone! It teaches principles that can help with marriage, parenting, work, and basically being a good person. From this book it talks about the influence pyramid (see below). My favorite thing about the influence pyramid is that shows that having a good relationship with your spouse can do more for your children than any other step.

I love this pyramid because it can help you understand a lot about where you might need to focus your attention. I want to share with you how this pyramid has helped me in my marriage but also how you can use these principles in any aspect of your life.

When I first read the book, Seth and I had only been married for two years. We did not have a ton of issues but there were still some disagreements and differences. Like most people though, I sought to start at the top of the pyramid. I wanted to correct a behavior I did not agree with, for whatever reason, and I figured that would solve the problem. I don’t even remember what it was about, but I remember reading this book and thinking I need to start at the bottom.

The first section of the pyramid is my favorite, because it is the only thing in my control. I can try my best in the other sections and do good but the solution will also come back to me. Where am I? Am I at war or am I at peace? I found that often times the things I struggled the most with Seth, were things I didn’t like about myself that I projected onto him. I had to come to terms with my way of being over being focused on his way of being.

The next section helped me so much when it came to building a relationship with my in-laws. I didn’t want Seth to be worried about whether I got along with them or argue with him about them because I didn’t want to drive a wedge between us. As I built those relationships with those that had influence on him, I learned a lot about who he is and how he is influenced. Learning about what encourages him because I was learning about him through people who were apart of his life from the beginning. This in turn helped me to have a deeper relationship with him because I got to learn who he was, who he is now, and who he can become.

Before we can teach, we have to learn how to listen. I love that listening and learning is before teaching because if you don’t know where they are at, you’ll never know where to start. I loved that I was able to start learning from him because it taught me why he did certain things. It taught me what doing certain things did for him.

After starting at the bottom of the pyramid and working my way up, the coolest thing happened. There was nothing left to correct or teach. Because we focused on making things go right, we never had to worry about dealing with things going “wrong.” So my advice, start with you, then make an effort with the people who are important to them, and you’ll find all the other steps just fall right into place.