CynthiaTalksMarriage

My husband and I have recently invested a lot of time and money into personal development. It has been a life changing experience and we have seen many blessings come from it. But as life got hard we would fall back to old habits and allow sabotage to win. We revert to living a mediocre lifestyle verses up-leveling to living at a higher vibration. When I fell Seth would follow, and when Seth fell I would follow because I honestly thought that would be the wisest way to keep a happy marriage is if we always stayed on the same line.

I soon found that it was not. Because we both were unhappy about what was going on in our individual lives, it would effect our marital lives. At one of the events we attended though, I heard the advice ‘hold the line’. It was then stuck in my head, running through my thoughts as I contemplated what it meant to hold the line. We continued to attend events, sometimes together or sometimes separate, seeking our own answers to where we wanted to be. As I attended one event I learned more about holding the line.

Holding the line doesn’t mean leaving your spouse in the dust but it means you do not allow you spouse’s low vibration bring you down. But instead you lift your spouse up. You inspire, encourage, and motivate. You set the example of living a higher vibration. You follow your dreams and find joy in your journey.

Here are a few ways that I like to hold the line. First is to drop all sarcasm. Be sincere in your conversation with your spouse. If they are sarcastic to you or others are sarcastic to you, your response can be ‘I don’t know what you mean by that?’. In doing this, it allows for you to feel you are being understood because you know and they know you are being sincere. Secondly, when you ask the question it requires them to think about what they mean. Another way, is to talk in solution mode. Whenever your spouse starts complaining, offer a solution. Do not allow them to wallow in their pity. This will help them think about solutions as well. When giving the solution, don’t be sarcastic or condescending. Be supportive and understanding and give real solutions. These are my go to ones that are simple and easy to follow.

My last piece of advice, remember that this is their journey. It may take a few months to a few years, but as you hold the line they will rise with you. Be patient with them and remember it wasn’t over night for you either. Also remember that if you do fall back, you can always rise again. There may be days where your spouse holds the line for you. Life and marriage is a journey and honor your journey because it will give you experiences that will teach and guide you and also allow you to teach and guide others.

Here is another Marriage Mindset switch for you. Too often, we look at marriage with expectations. Do you know what expectations are?? They are fictional ideals that have been placed in our head based on a small piece of information. Expectations of how we expect marriage to be, how we expect our spouse to be, and how society expects us to be. Expectations are often outside views placed on us or created by us from ideal lifestyles we want without seeing the hard work and communication to get there. While standards are the reality of what we are willing to give and receive from all parties. We have standards in the workforce, we have standards in bills and the services they provide, and we have standards with religious affiliations. Why not have standards in marriage too?

The problem is we put expectations on our marriage instead of standards. So when our spouse doesn’t live up to this fantasy image we’ve created, or society has created for us, we get disappointed or upset. We start feeling resentful and angry at our spouse because they are not doing what we want, based on the positive aspects of others’ spouses we see. Example, your father always got your mom flowers on Valentine’s Day, so you have now placed this expectation on all husbands. The other side of the example, your mom always did the dishes, so now you have placed this same expectation on all wives. Now, in general these are not bad things but in some marriages they are not true. For example my husband doesn’t do Valentine’s Day. I have never received anything on Valentine’s Day and we talked about it and it’s fine with me.

The reason it is fine with me is because it was an expectation and not a standard I required. What I do care about is my birthday. I have created a standard for my birthday. I want flowers, affection, and whatever else I can get. I have set the standard that my birthday is important to me and I wish to be spoiled. While my husband hardly remembers when his birthday is because his standards are different, he wants to celebrate the USMC birthday, Fourth of July, and shower alone in the morning. Those are his standards.

Like standards in a contract with your internet provider, there are things that are set that each party is aware of. The problem with expectations is they are often kept to ourselves until they become a huge issue. While standards are set and both parties are aware of what is important to the other and are communicated openly. In this way, both spouses can find joy and happiness in their relationship because the things that are important are being kept. Now, every ones standards will be different. For some, Flowers on Valentine’s is a must, or husband’s taking the trash, wives doing the dishes, or family reunions, etc. The key when telling your spouse your standards, is also sharing why those actions are important to you and to also listen to their standards and seek to uphold them.

The aspect that many believe marriage is just a piece of paper has been weighing on my mind. As I have put more thought into this belief, I am drawn to the conclusion that most things in life, are just a piece of paper. Your high school diploma or college degree, is just a piece of paper. Money is just a piece of paper. The deed to your home, a contract for work, a lease form for an apartment are all just pieces of paper. So if they are just pieces of paper why do you feel the need to put more value on them then you do on your marriage certificate?

If you look at marriage as just a piece of paper, than that is what you will see. When tough times come, you will take scissors and cut that paper up because scissors beat paper. You will not put your best foot forward because its just a piece of paper, it has zero power. You will not feel a need to progress your relationship to the next level, because you believe one piece of paper has no value over your relationship and its direction. You will not see the greater potential in your life that a simple piece of paper can do for you.

But a marriage contract was meant for so much more than to be labeled as just a piece of paper. It was meant for a man and women to show their commitment to each other and their commitment to raising children together. Marriage is not about letting the world know you are committed to each other, but it is consciously making the decision to yourself that no matter what, this marriage will last. That piece of paper is a physical reminder that at one point in your life, you loved each other so much that you wanted to share all the good and bad times with each other forever.

Where is your marriage contract? Do you know? Is it somewhere you see often? That simple piece of paper can have more value than all the money in the world because you decide what its value is. You decide how it will play a role in your relationship. Because that simple piece of paper can help you reach the next level of your relationship.

Every year when Halloween would come and go, I would be disappointed in our lack of a family costume and jealous of all the family/couples costumes out there. The main excuse I used as every year passed was that Seth doesn’t dress up and doesn’t do Halloween. But in all reality, my confidence was low and I worried about what others would say. But since working on my confidence I have found joy this Halloween season and joy in doing something that makes me happy without taking away from my husband’s happiness.

I am not a die hard Halloween fan but I enjoy the dressing up and getting creative, going to my neighbors and chatting a little bit, and of course I love the chocolate. But the last few years were always so stressful because I worried about my husband’s comfort, I worried about my lack of costume, or my kids lack of theme. I was so focused on the negative things that I didn’t really enjoy the simple treats of Halloween.

When I built my confidence, I was able to accept that my husband wouldn’t want to be part of the trick or treating, I accepted that the chances of having a family costume theme is very slim, and I accepted that others opinion of what I dressed as didn’t matter. This has been one of the best Halloweens because I dressed up and got way into my character, I got to enjoy taking my two older ones trick or treating while Seth stayed home with the baby.

When you gain Confidence, you gain independence from comparing your life, marriage, and children to other families. You start to accept where you are, where you want to go, and how you want to get there. You stop worrying about others thoughts and opinions and start enjoying the journey that you are creating with and for your family.

So if you are like me and haven’t been able to enjoy the Holidays because you married someone less enthusiastic about them and you are always trying to make sure he starts to love them like you do! Stop! Start having fun, you never know, maybe one day he’ll jump on the train with you. But for now, enjoy it with your kids and tell him about it when you get home. My husband enjoyed Halloween more seeing my joy with the kids than me trying to force the joy on him!

Does confidence have a place in marriage? I was listening to a Youtube motivational video the other day and it talked about confidence. Something was said that really hit. To build confidence means to keep your word to yourself. If you tell yourself you’re gonna do it, and you do it. You build your confidence. As I have taken the actions to build my confidence, I have found that it has greatly enhanced my marriage.

When I started growing my confidence, I stopped making excuses. I stopped putting up with things that weren’t serving me or my marriage. I stopped allowing other preconceived ideals of marriage to disrupt my relationship. Building my confidence allowed me to be strong against Seth when I felt he needed the tough love. I no longer feared offending or upsetting him because I know what I want and I know what I deserve.

I know this may sound conceited but I am here to tell you that standing up for yourself and believing in yourself is how you help your marriage reach it’s highest vibration. Because when I started living at a higher vibration and my confidence was strengthened, Seth started upping his game. Because I started seeing more of my potential I treated Seth where I saw his potential could be. This allowed him to feel inspired and as he felt inspired his action became more aligned with the higher vibration. Being confident means you know who you are and when you know who you are, you are better able to see others for their own potential.

I am so grateful to have started working on my confidence because it truly has allowed me to grow and become a better and more supportive wife to my husband. It’s allowed me to not settle in my marriage and help it reach a higher vibration, allowing our marriage to be better than we could ever imagine. This doesn’t mean we get along 100% of the time, it just means that we communicate better and our focus is no longer about being right but maintaining a higher vibration. It means we have the same goals and dreams and we seek to build each other up. It means we support each other, even when we do not understand. So be confident, know who you are and what you want out of life, you might be surprised how amazing your marriage starts to feel afterwards.