CynthiaTalksMarriage

What does a struggling marriage look like? I recently received a comment about how my marriage is struggling. I was a little taken aback because I would not have classified my marriage as struggling because I talk about the day to day situations that are hard but worth fighting for. I think too often when an individual bemoans the hardship of marriage some people assume they must be struggling. But the question is, what does it mean to have a struggling marriage?

Not sure about you but I have seen many marriages end, some made sense because all you saw were the struggles, bickering, and constant abuse. Others baffle you because they seemed perfect, their life was going according to plan, but because they lived in a toxic positivity bubble that eventually bursts and the results are terrible when it does. Neither of those marriages are good.

Opposition in all things. We need to accept the bad to know the good. Being able to acknowledge that marriage has its challenges will allow us to also know that we can reach exceptional heights in marriage. Talking about the “struggles” does not determine if you are struggling, it may just mean that your eyes are open and you are seeking answers or solutions. One of my favorite marriage quotes talks about how relationships are about balancing through the constant changes that come with being with one person throughout life. Normal changes, like starting or finishing school, getting a new job, getting fired, welcoming a new child, or your child turns a new age, the list is endless. The point is to accept the change, acknowledge the struggles, and seek for a new way to get back to your dream marriage.

I believe you can have an amazing marriage with struggles. When a spouse struggles with addictions and mental illness doesn’t mean your marriage lacks the possibility of greatness. Because lets be honest here, every marriage has addictions. It can for food, sex, gaming, etc. Every marriage struggles with mental illness, depression, ADHD, bipolar, PTSD, etc. It’s gonna be in the marriage and if you live in denial to that fact, then you won’t be able to turn your weaknesses into strengths.

What does a struggling marriage look like? for me, a struggling marriage is not one that openly admits that they are having a hard time. Struggling marriages are the ones that are either trying to live their marriage with rose colored glasses or those that refuse to see any good. When we accept our faults and openly admit that we are having a hard time with our spouse, we are able to find the strength and support needed to build marriages to their highest potential.

If you could describe your dream marriage, what would it look like? How would it feel? As you answer these two questions, you are creating an intention in your mind of the marriage you want. So the next question would be, how do I get there? As we turn our mind to the steps to get to our dream marriage, we lose focus on what are dream marriage looks like. To often we focus on the steps to creating the perfect marriage. While we really should be looking towards the future of how we want our marriage to be then just take the next right step.

In a basic training course I took with my husband back in April, they taught us this simple equation. Intentions(x)+Mechanisms(y)=Results(100%). They than had us solve for x and y. Some said 50/50, others 30/70, or 55/45. All were wrong. The answer was 100/0.

So what does that mean? That means stop worrying about how your gonna get to your dream marriage and start creating the vision in your mind of how your dream marriage looks like. Write it down, get specific, and really ask yourself what you want your marriage to look like. Then take the next right step and live your dream marriage.

Grab a pen and paper right now and answer these questions. What does my dream marriage look like? How do I feel about my dream marriage? What behaviors do I and my spouse have that creates my dream marriage? What does this dream couple do on a monthly, weekly, daily, and hourly basis? When writing it down, write it present term. Write it as if it is happening right now and you are telling someone you are living in your dream marriage.

Get as specific as possible. Write as many details as you can think of so you can truly see this image in your head. Talk about emotions that are felt, and conversations that are said, and activities that you are doing in your dream marriage.

When you are done, read it over and be really honest with your self. Is that your dream marriage? Is there something missing? Is there something there that actually isn’t important? When you are finished, read it every day.

The song from Frozen 2, “do the next right thing” has become my mantra. stop trying to create this list, or these steps you need to follow to get to your perfect marriage. Just focus on your vision/intentions for your marriage and you’ll be surprised how quickly you change and start seeing that you are already living in your dream marriage and you will make the next right thing to do every time.

For those that know my story, know I only knew my husband two weeks before getting engaged, then we got married three months later. Many believe that is not long enough to know someone, others say the common phrase ‘when you know, you know’. What I have come to believe though, is that it’s not about a timeline or even a feeling. It was so much more. My husband and I did not shy away from the ‘hard’ questions when getting to know each other. We asked about addictions, future plans, and medications. We asked about where we both stood religiously, politically, and socially. We were honest and very open with each other on this information. Though it was important, in the end the most important thing I learned about what I really needed to know was, is he committed, where is he at emotionally, and what are his values/priorities?

When we first started discussing marriage, we talked about the dreaded D word, Divorce. We both stood on the same ground that no matter what happened, divorce was not an option. Some of you may be shaking your heads and thinking how naive we were. Sure we were a little naive, but I knew that when we got married that he was going to be 100% into our marriage. He had the convictions and desire to find someone he would fight for before even thinking about divorce. That is what we both sought for when entering into our marriage. That was it, there were no lets see where it goes, or if something happens we’ve got the option of divorce. In my opinion, having someone with the naivety of believing that divorce will not be an option is more attractive. So we jumped and got married knowing that we both were committed to the marriage for the long haul.

While serving an LDS mission, I learned a lot about mental health because not only did I experience my own struggles with my mental state, but I had many companions who suffered with depression. I was biased against those who had depression, but I needed to know. I needed to know where his mental state was, where it has been, and where he wanted it to be. This information allowed me to prepare my own mental stability and also be able to watch for clues if he needed to change medication or start talking to a therapist again. There’s nothing wrong with having depression but if the spouse doesn’t know, they could also start blaming themselves when they don’t understand why their spouse is behaving the way they are.

Another key thing to know is their values and priorities. This is where it is important to spend time with them. Because often times, you do not see values and priorities in words but in actions. In watching their behavior you really see what they place most important in their life. For example, our first official date Seth took me shotgun shooting showing me that he placed a lot of value on being able to protect yourself and knowing how to handle firearms. Part of that date was Seth’s friend’s wedding, where I invited myself as his date showing if I want something, I go for it.

With all these steps in knowing when to take the big leap, the real key is taking these steps, every day after your wedding day. Someone can be committed to one thing and something totally different the next day. Your mental stability changes from hour to hour!! Letting your spouse know where you’re at and asking your spouse about how they are feeling needs to be a hourly thing, especially after something happens, even if it’s just grocery shopping. Values and priorities also change. Maybe not as fast as your mental state or even commitments, but over time values and priorities change because as life changes so does what you place at the top of your list. It takes a daily decision of being committed to your spouse, always checking in on them, and spending time with them as you learn what is important to them for your marriage to make it 50 years, regardless of how long or short you dated before marriage.

6 months ago, I decided that I wanted to become more supportive and encouraging towards my husband. I delved deep into what each of these mean. More specifically what they meant for our marriage.

Support- Has many definitions but basically talks about how someone or something bears all or some the weight. So in marriage, this would mean that I would be ready to take on all the weight of his responsibilities or a partial of them. That I would help carry his load.

Encourage- this definition was similar except it had more to do with words while support was more an action. Encouraging your spouse was about providing advice or words of inspiration to help them stay on the path they are on, or words that will inspire them to find their path. In aspect of marriage, this is about being mindful of your words towards your spouse.

When taking these definitions into account I really looked into my marriage and wanted to know where I was lacking. One of the places I realized that I kept back was for me to support all his endeavors, and I mean ALL of them. Even the ones that make zero sense to me. I kept him from something that was important to him because I didn’t understand it. I learned and came to the realization, that my job is not to understand my husbands antics, wants, or endeavors but to stand by him and say I don’t understand but I believe in you and trust that you know what you are doing.

For an example, my husband has always wanted a 5 ton. It is a massive military truck. I never took him seriously and brushed it off. Eventually I moved onto putting stipulations on his desire. That, once this is taken care of, or when this happened, or when the kids were older we could look into getting him his truck. But when a friend made the comment about supporting your spouse even if it didn’t make sense to you, you trust them. So I finally went to my husband and I told him that I was done holding him back from all his endeavors, including purchasing a vehicle that made zero sense to me. So within a few months of planning and envisioning his dream vehicle he found exactly what he wanted for the price he set. This was an example of encouraging my husband, that when other trucks didn’t work out, I gave him words of love, hope, and confidence that he would find his dream truck when the time was right.

My example of support, is a little bit more heavy. I’ve talked about my husbands depression on here before, but for those who missed that post. My husband suffers from chronic depression, and in the last 18 months recently has gained more issues that have amplified his depression and medication doesn’t really help. He would lay in bed for days unable to function and it was on me to carry his load. Some may say that is unfair to me, but when I married my husband I accepted that some days I would have to be the strong one. I would have to do most of the work. I am not here to complain about the situation, it is what it is and I have accepted it. But one of the things I learned in doing this was finding the line between enabling him and supporting him. I knew that some days he would need those days. But I also learned that I deserved a healthy and happy husband. So I found how to support him without enabling by encouraging him to continue to work with doctors, try new natural ways of healing, making appointments for him, and basically anything I could do to help him be the best version of himself while at the same time allowing him the time he needed to rest. The result was we were able to find solutions and we have experienced less days in bed and more days reaching goals. We still have a ways to go but we get closer every day as I continue to support him.

Supporting and encouraging your spouse will look different for everyone, because every marriage has different challenges and different strengths and weaknesses. But one thing to remember, is that to support your spouse, is to be willing to carry their load, whatever that may be. Encouraging your spouse is about being conscious of the words you use in your relationship with your spouse. How can you be more supportive and encouraging to your spouse?

This blog post is specifically for the wives, but I also believe some husbands could use this information too. One of the biggest challenges I faced when getting married, was that I gradually lost myself. It happened so slowly that I did not know what happened till I woke up one day feeling pretty unhappy. That was not a normal emotion for me because I am usually a very happy person. But as I changed my focus to being a mom and wife, I stopped focusing on being a women, and doing things that brought me joy.

The first problem I faced when I decided to re-find myself, was the feeling of guilt!! Mom and wife guilt. It wasn’t that my husband wasn’t supportive, or others weren’t supportive. It was the pressure that society places on us, pressure that we need to be able to do it all. That we are the only ones good enough to raise our kids. That they are our kids and we should not burden others with them. It was the wife guilt, that my husband works and seeks to provide for us, being a full time student, and needing his own time. I couldn’t ask him to watch our kids so I can go to a tap class. This guilt kept me from allowing myself to flourish again.

When I allowed my guilt to win, my marriage and my parenting suffered. I was irritable, tired, and unfulfilled. I finally allowed myself to say yes, and you know what happened? I was able to step into the wife and mother I always wanted to be while also being the women I was meant to be. I was more patient and loving. I enjoyed my time more with my kids and husband.

Saying yes that first time is hard, especially if you’ve denied yourself for so long. You need that time to take a break from your kids, to enjoy the things you love doing. For me, it was going back to tapping like I did when I was younger, it was going to events and signing up for courses that increase my knowledge in any spectrum of learning, and it was finding time to crochet or play the piano. What do you need to say yes too? What have you been denying yourself because of the guilt of taking time for yourself? It doesn’t have to be long, it doesn’t have to often, it just needs to be something that brings you joy and it needs to be done where you can step away from motherhood and wife-hood so you can focus on yourself as a women. Tap into your feminine energy!