CynthiaTalksMarriage

I’m not sure about you, but sometimes I wait for something before I feel I can reach my dream. I think this is especially true for many in marriage. For those with kids, waiting until your kids are out of the diaper stage before you really start to date your spouse, or waiting until your kids can watch one another so you do not have to find a babysitter. We are constantly making excuses as to why we settle for less in our marriage. Children, careers, and education always get in the way and we tell our spouse and ourselves, “once we are over this bump, we’ll date more.” The problem with this theory is that when that bump is over, another will take its place. Before we know it, we are so out of tune with our spouse that we are not even sure where to start.

Also, many think that we cannot have our ideal marriage unless we are starting it anew. This way of thinking keeps us from achieving a happy marriage now.  Don’t wait for the new year, or the beginning of the week, or whatever fresh start you think you need to make your marriage what you want it to be. Start now! Look at yourself and ask, “what type of marriage do I want?” Well, I’m not sure about you, but I do not want to wait to have my ideal marriage until the bumps are over because that would be a lifetime wasted.

So? What are you waiting for? It doesn’t matter where your marriage is at, you can start changing yourself and see how it changes your marriage. My dad has always said to me, “it’s not about finding the right one, but being the right one.” We think that if we are going to have the marriage that we want, then our spouse needs to start picking up the slack. When what really needs to happen, is we need to take a deep look within ourselves to truly find what we want and then start being that person.  When you do, you just might be surprised with how quickly you can have the marriage you always dreamed of.

Not sure about you, but I struggle with being vulnerable in front my husband. I find it easier to open up to a stranger about my struggles and trials than my own husband. As I have contemplated this, I found that I struggle most after he tells me how amazing I am. I felt that I could not open up to him because I did not want him to think less of me, so I would struggle in silence. I realized that I was hypocritical too! Because I wanted my husband to share with me his struggles but kept my own from him. This last week I was able to tackle this struggle head on and I learned a valuable lesson.

Earlier this week, I was struggling with feelings of sadness, stress, and anxiety. I was facing some unpleasant thoughts about myself and my ability. I wanted to turn to my husband but I felt that it would diminish my worth in his eyes. After a day or two of struggling with myself I finally went to my husband and I told him I was sad. We were able to sit and talk about what was going on and how I was feeling. After our heartfelt conversation was done, my husband told me he loved me and that I was amazing.

We too often think that the people we love the most, and their opinion of us matters the most, will think less of us when we struggle. The reality is, they know we are human and they wont think less of us because we struggle but they will feel important to us because we have trusted them enough to share our deep and personal struggles. Though the problems that made me sad did not disappear, my heart felt lighter because someone was there holding the burden with me. I felt my husband’s strength beside me as he helped me know that he was there to hold me when I am sad and to be a listening ear when I need to talk.

A few days after our heart felt conversation about me, my husband opened up to me about something that has been bothering him. It’s hard to make that first move to vulnerability with your spouse, but I found when I opened up to him, he felt safe enough to open up to me. We cannot expect our spouse to share their vulnerable side if we are not willing to do the same. Opening up to your spouse when you are hurt, sad, or have feelings of depression is hard to do for a variety of reasons. Whether it is you not wanting them to know you struggle, or not wanting to burden them, or because it is their actions that are making you feel that way it is a big step to improving your marriage and creating a bond that will allow each of you to grow and become aware of the needs of each other.

How many times do we put our children, jobs, or even friends above the needs of our spouse? I wanted to share a movie clip from Parental Guidance (2012) but could not make it work so here is a quote from the scene I was going to share. “After your kids grow up, your husband’s the one who stays“.

How profound is that statement? Someone shared with me how when they became ’empty nesters’ that they had to get to know each other all over again because they both got caught up in careers, schooling, and raising kids that they forgot to date each other throughout their marriage. They put their marriage on the back burner because they both felt that it would be fine and they had the same goals of raising a family, and though their marriage is doing great, many couples divorce after their children leave because they realize they are living with a stranger.

So how do we keep from living with a stranger? Every couple will be different on how they do this but the main principle is to put your marriage first. My mission President told me before going home that when I find my spouse, remember the order of priority. First God, second spouse, and third children. Though my order of priority may not seem like I put my marriage first, I do because I am being the wife I know the Lord needs me to be for my husband. Because the Lord knows him better than I do and when I place the Lord first I am more likely to act more forgiving and patient with my husband. This works for me and my husband and making sure our marriage is a top priority. It shows that I love and care for my husband and seek his needs above my own.

Dr. Gary Chapman and his book The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted in chapter three, talks about what love really is. One thing that struck me when reading this chapter is how he talked about couples saying how they just do not love each other any more and he goes on to say that not loving someone is a choice. When we place our marriage and spouse first we are making the first steps of loving our spouse. We are showing our spouse that they are important to us and that we want to love them and we want to choose love for them over everything else.