Flight or Fight

Too often when marriages hit rock bottom, couples either believe that this is what marriage is like or they leave the marriage because they cannot see past the hardships. I recently got to interview a couple who when they hit rock bottom chose to fight for their marriage and to change it to what they wanted. After two years of seeing their marriage disintegrate, this couple knew something needed to change because it got to a point that they lost trust in their marriage. Dr Van Epp created the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) and one of the five points is trust. Dr Van Epp shares how important trust is in marriage because it is the second step that leads to relying and committing to your spouse but if there is no trust how can those next steps take place. This couple knew that when trust was lost that they needed to change because their failing marriage was also affecting their children.

Their children were one of their reasons to fight for their marriage. They knew that their marriage affected their kids and their kids were important to them and they wanted to provide them with a happy home. Another reason they chose to fight was because they looked at their past and knew they were capable of having a happy marriage. They both recalled what they had and knew they could have it again if they made the effort.

As the couple went through working on their marriage they both learned a valuable lesson of happiness. They both knew that they needed to work on their self love. She talked about how could she expect someone to love her if she did not. She learned that she needed to start with herself and build that love for who she was and what she deserved. While his journey to self love was about accepting his failures. He shared how he would get so down on himself because he feared failure. He learned to accept his failures and to grow from them and not allow them to dictate where he could go. While both of their journeys to self love were different, they both learned they are responsible for their own happiness and cannot rely on their spouse to make them happy.

The family system theory is how the family is a unit and you can not understand the family as a whole if looking at just one aspect of the family unit. Through building their marriage they learned this as they saw the changes they made affected changes in their children. They talked about how one aspect of the family is not higher than the other but as we build one up the other parts follow too. As they built and strengthened their marriage they saw positive behavioral changes in their children. A circle began as working on their marriage affected their parenting, which affected their kids behavior, which allowed them focus on their marriage.

Not all the building and strengthening of their marriage was easy and there were doubts. She talked about leaving for a weekend and not knowing if she would come back. She left again and thought maybe this was it. But while she was gone, it gave him the strength and knowledge that he needed to change. He started showing up and proving to her that he can be trusted again. When she came back, she saw the changes and knew that they were going to make it. Their trust was back and she knew she could rely on him and commit to him. Though he never doubted, it was a few months later when they reached a point that life was comfortable. He saw her and how she behaved and it was a women who felt comfortable and knew she was with someone who made her feel comfortable.

With their story, they share advice to those who are struggling and or might be on the verge. Remember to have self love, to find your happiness and not rely on your spouse to make you happy. Know your love language and know your spouse’s love language, make sure you know how you receive love and how they do so that you can both be aware of when the other is showing their love. People change, know that your spouse will change and take time daily to learn about your spouse so that you do not wake up one morning wondering who your spouse is. Dr Van Epp calls them huddles, but have weekly meetings where you are able to talk just the two of you. Whether it is learning about your spouse, going over your weekly schedule or what ever but take time to sit and talk.