Here is another Marriage Mindset switch for you. Too often, we look at marriage with expectations. Do you know what expectations are?? They are fictional ideals that have been placed in our head based on a small piece of information. Expectations of how we expect marriage to be, how we expect our spouse to be, and how society expects us to be. Expectations are often outside views placed on us or created by us from ideal lifestyles we want without seeing the hard work and communication to get there. While standards are the reality of what we are willing to give and receive from all parties. We have standards in the workforce, we have standards in bills and the services they provide, and we have standards with religious affiliations. Why not have standards in marriage too?
The problem is we put expectations on our marriage instead of standards. So when our spouse doesn’t live up to this fantasy image we’ve created, or society has created for us, we get disappointed or upset. We start feeling resentful and angry at our spouse because they are not doing what we want, based on the positive aspects of others’ spouses we see. Example, your father always got your mom flowers on Valentine’s Day, so you have now placed this expectation on all husbands. The other side of the example, your mom always did the dishes, so now you have placed this same expectation on all wives. Now, in general these are not bad things but in some marriages they are not true. For example my husband doesn’t do Valentine’s Day. I have never received anything on Valentine’s Day and we talked about it and it’s fine with me.
The reason it is fine with me is because it was an expectation and not a standard I required. What I do care about is my birthday. I have created a standard for my birthday. I want flowers, affection, and whatever else I can get. I have set the standard that my birthday is important to me and I wish to be spoiled. While my husband hardly remembers when his birthday is because his standards are different, he wants to celebrate the USMC birthday, Fourth of July, and shower alone in the morning. Those are his standards.
Like standards in a contract with your internet provider, there are things that are set that each party is aware of. The problem with expectations is they are often kept to ourselves until they become a huge issue. While standards are set and both parties are aware of what is important to the other and are communicated openly. In this way, both spouses can find joy and happiness in their relationship because the things that are important are being kept. Now, every ones standards will be different. For some, Flowers on Valentine’s is a must, or husband’s taking the trash, wives doing the dishes, or family reunions, etc. The key when telling your spouse your standards, is also sharing why those actions are important to you and to also listen to their standards and seek to uphold them.