You may read the title and think I have depression. Well that is not my struggle in life, but my wonderful husband does deals with depression. It started while he was serving in the military, that is when he first started taking anti-depressants. As his spouse, it has been heart wrenching to see him struggle and fight for his happiness. I don’t know how to help him and there are some days I am scared to leave him alone. On top of it all, there is a battle of thoughts that rage through my head. So this post is not about my husband’s struggles, but of my struggle and how I seek to overcome my natural thought process. Be warned, it is not for the faint of heart.
My thoughts range from care (how can I help my husband…) to anger (why doesn’t he try to…) to self-loathing (am I not enough to make him happy). These are only the tip of the iceberg, and I’ll have these thoughts and similar ones in succession of each other all day. They flutter through my mind as if on repeat and whichever thought is running through my head whether it is of, care or anger, it always leads back to self-loathing. Thoughts telling me I am not enough.
The worst part was the feeling of being alone, because I feared talking to him. I worried about what my thoughts would do to him. What effect my venting and frustration about life would do to his mental stability, because I know he has similar and sometimes worse thoughts than my own. So I suffered alone because like life, I knew we would climb up again and everything would be okay.
I kept pushing forward as Seth and I had our ups and downs, like most marriages. I felt like our ups were mountains and our downs were just dips. I knew I could do it, and I did. But something happened. The down times started lasting longer and getting lower. They were becoming canyons and valley’s while the ups were no longer mountains but bumps. I had to avoid people because someone could just say hi and I would break. I’d leave him alone to run errands with the kids and I would cry, because I was terrified of what I might come home to! I started feeling like a single parent and many times just had feelings of wanting to go home and have someone take care of me. Nothing helped till I switched my focus to taking care of myself and being vulnerable to help outside.
My level of vulnerability right now is at an all time high for me. I am opening up about my experience because I wanted others to know that they are not alone. I often felt alone because I felt couldn’t be sad because I had to be the strong one. That was one lesson I had to learn, that it was okay for me to be sad too and that I didn’t have to be strong all the time.
Here are a few lessons that I learned from my ongoing experience and struggle. I hope as I share my truths with you, that you can find hope and comfort in knowing you are not alone.
First, I could not fight this battle alone! When my spouse is having a down time and I needed to vent, I reached out to friends who I knew would listen. You can always find someone to listen to you. Do not be afraid to reach out, someone will take hold. If you don’t know who will! I will. Second, I had to learn Seth’s cues. I had to watch and see he needed to be held or left alone. The best way to learn is to ask, ask them if they need space or if they need a hug. If they don’t know I always start with the hug for a few minutes and then give them space.
Third, I had to learn to not talk. This was the hardest for me to learn because I just wanted to help but thought I had to speak to do so. I learned that those suffering with depression have their own battle of thoughts in their head, and having someone else throw in their thoughts can cause them more anxiety and frustration so just be there and be ready to listen.
The fourth lesson is the hardest lesson and I am still learning it today. You are enough. You are not responsible for his unhappiness or happiness. He is dealing with his own demons and all you can do is stand by his side and inspire him. You make him happy and he loves you. Whenever thoughts of “why am I not enough to make him happy?” come into your mind I want you to instead ask yourself “How can I become more happy?” whether it’s reading a new book, starting a new hobby, or taking yourself out on a date. An important lesson to remember is you are only responsible for your own happiness and then your happiness will shine to those who need it. It is not your responsibility to make your spouse happy. Your job is to stand by them through thick and thin, up and down, and anywhere in between.
