For those that know my story, know I only knew my husband two weeks before getting engaged, then we got married three months later. Many believe that is not long enough to know someone, others say the common phrase ‘when you know, you know’. What I have come to believe though, is that it’s not about a timeline or even a feeling. It was so much more. My husband and I did not shy away from the ‘hard’ questions when getting to know each other. We asked about addictions, future plans, and medications. We asked about where we both stood religiously, politically, and socially. We were honest and very open with each other on this information. Though it was important, in the end the most important thing I learned about what I really needed to know was, is he committed, where is he at emotionally, and what are his values/priorities?
When we first started discussing marriage, we talked about the dreaded D word, Divorce. We both stood on the same ground that no matter what happened, divorce was not an option. Some of you may be shaking your heads and thinking how naive we were. Sure we were a little naive, but I knew that when we got married that he was going to be 100% into our marriage. He had the convictions and desire to find someone he would fight for before even thinking about divorce. That is what we both sought for when entering into our marriage. That was it, there were no lets see where it goes, or if something happens we’ve got the option of divorce. In my opinion, having someone with the naivety of believing that divorce will not be an option is more attractive. So we jumped and got married knowing that we both were committed to the marriage for the long haul.
While serving an LDS mission, I learned a lot about mental health because not only did I experience my own struggles with my mental state, but I had many companions who suffered with depression. I was biased against those who had depression, but I needed to know. I needed to know where his mental state was, where it has been, and where he wanted it to be. This information allowed me to prepare my own mental stability and also be able to watch for clues if he needed to change medication or start talking to a therapist again. There’s nothing wrong with having depression but if the spouse doesn’t know, they could also start blaming themselves when they don’t understand why their spouse is behaving the way they are.
Another key thing to know is their values and priorities. This is where it is important to spend time with them. Because often times, you do not see values and priorities in words but in actions. In watching their behavior you really see what they place most important in their life. For example, our first official date Seth took me shotgun shooting showing me that he placed a lot of value on being able to protect yourself and knowing how to handle firearms. Part of that date was Seth’s friend’s wedding, where I invited myself as his date showing if I want something, I go for it.
With all these steps in knowing when to take the big leap, the real key is taking these steps, every day after your wedding day. Someone can be committed to one thing and something totally different the next day. Your mental stability changes from hour to hour!! Letting your spouse know where you’re at and asking your spouse about how they are feeling needs to be a hourly thing, especially after something happens, even if it’s just grocery shopping. Values and priorities also change. Maybe not as fast as your mental state or even commitments, but over time values and priorities change because as life changes so does what you place at the top of your list. It takes a daily decision of being committed to your spouse, always checking in on them, and spending time with them as you learn what is important to them for your marriage to make it 50 years, regardless of how long or short you dated before marriage.
Love you!