CynthiaTalksMarriage

This post is not to condemn or ridicule those who choose divorce. I have had a few friends who recently made this choice and it got me thinking, how do we lower the rates of divorce? or even why are so many quick to marry and then quick to divorce? I feel like as a society, we no longer keep commitments. We give up easily and prioritize other commitments above marriage. Because, that is why divorces happen, something becomes more important than the original commitment to your marriage.

When my husband and I got married, one of the first agreements we made was divorce would never be an option. Many people will think what a naive agreement. They would say, you never know what will happen. Well, I don’t know what will happen, but I do know that it won’t be divorce.

My husband and I, have and will always, choose our marriage above everything. If there is something in our dreams and goals that need to change to make our marriage work, we will change it. If we struggle with our happiness, or self-worth, we don’t place the blame on our marriage or our spouse but instead take responsibility. Sometimes it means changing what we thought we always wanted or changing the perspective of who we wanted to be. Becoming happy and loving ourselves again can happen without changing our spouse.

If you have chosen to divorce your spouse, that is your decision. I don’t know you or your life so I have no idea what reason or action contributed to this decision. I do hope though, that the next time you marry, make the agreement with each other that divorce will never be an option and if you can’t make that promise maybe don’t get married. Marriage needs to be an eternal promise, not just a convenient or emotional decision. Marriage is a commitment, and that feeling you had when you made that commitment will not always be present. You’ll question it, you’ll maybe even regret it, but remember that a commitment is staying true to a promise you made even when the moment you made it is no longer there. I know that as you stay to that commitment that moment comes back and you remember the love and desire you have for your spouse and you remember why you said yes in the first place.

I’m not sure how to start such a post as this, but as I am writing for me I am going to start how I want too.

Marriage should not be about love. Love can be the greatest asset to a marriage but it is also its greatest enemy. Too often people use love wrongly when it comes to marriage. You marry because you love, you divorce because you fell out of love, you struggling loving yourself so you need space from your spouse to learn to love yourself. I do think that love should be a tool when it comes to strengthen your marriage but be weary that you do not use love to ruin your marriage. The truth about marriage is that before love became a factor in marriage, there were less divorces.

What marriages need is more Commitment, Courage, and Integrity. We put too much stock on love that to really create our dream marriage we need to focus on other attributes that will grow a marriage. I do love my husband most of the time, but to claim I love him all the time would be lying. I don’t even love myself all the time or even my kids, Why would I love him all the time? here’s the kicker, You don’t have too love someone all the time to have an amazing marriage.

What you do need to have is Commitment, having commitment allows you to stay true to your marriage even when love is absent. Having commitment means you make choices and decisions that will grow your marriage because you want it to last. Having commitment means you stick around even when it is hard and you feel like your the only one who cares about your marriage. When you have commitment, you have the ability to weather any storm the world throws at you because you have already decided that your marriage is going to last for eternity.

Your marriage needs Courage. Courage to say what needs to be said, even when you know it might offend or upset them. Courage to brave the storms when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep forever. Courage to fight off Satan as he seeks to tear your marriage apart. Courage to stand by your husband when no one else will . Courage to choose loving your husband when walking away would be easier. Having courage is not about never having fear but having the stamina and determination to look fear in the eyes and telling them “I am fighting for my marriage!”. When you have courage in your marriage it helps to grow your marriage to the next level.

Integrity is another attribute that your marriage needs. Because without integrity, Satan will win. Integrity helps you be true to your marriage. Integrity allows you to be faithful when the world wouldn’t blame you for walking away. Integrity is about doing what you know to be right even when no one is watching. Integrity is staying committed even when the moment you made that choice is no longer there.

This is my truth. Some may disagree, others might get inspired. What I do hope is that when you seek the truth about your marriage that you find attributes outside of love that help you to strengthen, build, and grow your marriage to the level that the Heavenly Father knows it can be.

Upon completing an LDS mission, I was given advice on seeking a companion in marriage. Seek someone who will put the Lord first, then you, and then the children. The advice has served me well. Not only in finding a companion but also being a good companion myself. But lately I have been able to expand to this advice and add another to the list of prioritizing. First the Lord, then yourself, then your spouse, and then your children. I added yourself so you would always remember that you cannot pour from an empty cup.

When you follow this order, you are able to create a more meaningful connection filled life. By starting with your Creator, your focus is on his will and vision for your life. You come to see things as they really are. You seek love and light over anything else. You find peace and joy knowing you are following a path that was created just for you. When you follow your Creator first, you see through his eyes and when you see through his eyes you start to see yourself as he sees you.

Which makes it easy for the next part to be you. You now see yourself for all your glory. You come to love yourself more fully. You accept all of you and see how all your flaws and weaknesses can be strengths in the Hands of God. You do not settle for anything less then what God has intended for you to have. You invest in yourself because you know you deserve it. You also know that when you fill your cup first, do self care, and self investment you show up as the women, wife, mother, friend, and all the many hats you wear as the way God intended you to be.

Once your cup is full, and you know what you deserve. You also know you are worthy of love. The deep and connection filled love that comes from marriage. When you are able to accept your own flaws, it is easier to accept the flaws of your spouse because you are looking through the eyes of God. You find and see your spouse and come to accept him for all of his imperfections too. You start to cultivate a deeper connection with him. You start accepting the love he gives you because the love you have for yourself has increased. When you place your husband after you, you also allow him to do the same. For him to also love himself fully so he can also fully accept the love you give him.

Now you have two people who love God, love themselves, and love each other. What more can you ask for children to be raised in such a loving and powerful environment. Where they too will learn to turn to a higher power to see themselves for who they truly are, to love and accept themselves for all that they are, and to know how to build a deep and loving relationship with another.

This is my order of priority and as I have been able to follow this I haven been able to grow and become more of what the Lord has called me to be.

I did a post a while back and a comment was made asking if they were a bad husband because they didn’t do something my husband does. Obviously the answer is no because you cannot determine what would work for your marriage based on others. But we have all read those or at least seen the blog post on marriages. “10 things your husband should be doing” Daily questions to ask your spouse” or “5 ways a wife should show her husband she loves him daily”. They can be very damaging posts because we start playing the comparison game. I’m not sure why, but I have always enjoyed reading them or even marriage and relationship books because my outlook is not comparison but curiosity.

When I read these posts, I have fell into that trap of, my husband doesn’t do that or I would put more pressure on myself trying to ask all the questions all the time. More often though I see possibilities. I have learned that these post are from someone very different than me but I can still learn from them and adapt them to my life. Seeking the principle behind the action and finding an action that works better for my marriage.

With the example of the post I made. My husband opens the door for me almost all the time. This act is not for everyone. But the underlying principle is for everyone and that is service. It is an act that helps create an opportunity for feminine and masculine energy to work together. It is the man stepping into his masculinity and showering his wife with a service so she can embody her feminine energy more fully. In it’s simplest form, it is just service. Finding a way to serve your spouse even if it is an act they are perfectly capable of doing.

So next time you see those posts look for the underlying principle and stop focusing on the action because each couple and each individual are different. Something that works now, might not work in a few years, because life changes.

For the last 10 weeks I have had the pleasure of working with Roya Mattis in her 10 week course all about becoming an energy magnet and uncaging your femininity. I cannot rave enough about Roya and my experience of building a tribe of women coming together and celebrating each other and cheering each other on. This course was so helpful in many ways but my favorite was how it opened my eyes to what I was already doing but not realizing it and to new possibilities in building my dream marriage. In her course she dives deep into true femininity and helps women tap into that energy to help manifest the life they want and deserve.

When I first started working with Roya, I was feeling the burn out of staying in my masculine energy and not letting my feminine energy breath. I was low energy and felt little desire in the day to day rut of life. I was feeling directionless and unsure what I was doing with myself. Though I originally joined just for my own personal growth and direction. I quickly learned how much my marriage needed this information.

I did not realize what was going on in my marriage. I thought we were happy and things were fine. They were but that was the problem. It was just fine. It wasn’t spectacular, it wasn’t breathtaking, it wasn’t the dream. Mainly because my dream got bigger. One of the key takeaways I got from it was that I was so much in my masculine energy that my husband and I would be butting heads often. When I learned about the two different energies and found ways to use both in my life, I was able to have conversations with my husband in my femininity creating a more fluent conversation because he didn’t feel the masculine energy attacking, he felt the feminine curiosity seeking clarity.

The other way it helped my marriage was I focused on what I needed to do and not what I thought he needed. I trusted my body and nourished it so that it could provide the answer to questions I had. I was able to fully step into my purpose learning and loving the women I was becoming which allowed me to accept the love my husband was giving. I was blocking a lot of love from my spouse because I still struggled with loving myself fully so how could my husband love me fully. But as I learned to love it for all it’s glory, accepting that another could love it became possible.

I truly have loved working with Roya and there is so much more I could say! But I don’t want to share all her juicy secrets! So if you are struggling in uncaging your true femininity I invite you to seek Roya out! Ask me for a link and uncage your inner Queen!